Stand Up for Yourself!

It is one thing for us to challenge old beliefs and to recognize our budding desire to behave in new ways, and quite another to know how to begin. We often lack the skills and the confidence necessary to implement the changes we wish to make. When we have been silent and passive a good deal of our lives, it is difficult to become clear, direct and assertive. Although we can easily see that other people are valuable and have rights, we may view ourselves as exceptions to this rule. It is often a shift in focus to begin to see ourselves as worthy, and as valuable as anyone else. This shift cannot and does not occur easily, nor does it occur over night. We may agree intellectually that all people, male or female, have certain basic human rights, but to actually recognize and stand up for these rights for ourselves is challenging. It is a challenge worth taking on, however, and essential to creating a peaceful and serene life – a life that is free of compulsive eating behavior.

Secondary Gains from Overeating

I often ask clients what they are getting out of their compulsive eating behavior. Most look at me as if I’m from another planet and insist that they get absolutely no benefits from eating compulsively or from being overweight. I can understand their surprised reactions, for how can an issue which feels so painful and all-consuming bring with it any advantages? Inevitably, when I suggest we talk about the possibility, people resist the idea. “How can this weight or this behavior bring me anything positive?” they ask. It seems too hard to think about, impossible to imagine. I often tell them the following story to illustrate my point:

Once I was working with a woman who had been steadily gaining weight since the birth of her first child. She was referred to me by her medical doctor when her weight began seriously taking its toll on her health. She was dangerously obese when we met and was becoming increasingly depressed and discouraged. We worked together for quite a while and, despite all of her best efforts and mine, she continued to put on more weight. Sporadically she would make attempts to take control of her eating but nothing was effective. One day, after several months of unsuccessful weight loss attempts, we began talking about her family situation and she disclosed to me that her husband and parents badly wanted another child/grandchild. Her first child, an extremely active little girl, kept her busy constantly and she strongly resisted the idea of adding to their family (and thus her workload). She feared her husband’s and parent’s anger and possible abandonment if she openly stated that she did not want another child to care for.

Soon she realized that her weight kept her from having to confront her family or deal with the issue at all. Her doctor had emphatically told her that having another child was far too dangerous an undertaking if she became pregnant at her current weight. Losing weight would mean confronting the issue and admitting the truth. Once she realized this she knew that she would never let go of her extra pounds until she figured out how to handle this matter directly.

Scenarios like this one happen frequently as part of the therapy process. People sometimes find out that their weight, their emotional eating and out-of-control behavior provides them with illusions of safety. If they are overweight, they can avoid the situations that they fear. They may think such thoughts as, “If I am heavy, no one will make advances towards me. If I am fat, I can’t possibly _______ (fill in the blank: go to school, ask for anything, be successful, take risks, compete with others, have a good relationship, etc.) If I am fat, I won’t be called upon to give my opinions or ideas. People won’t take me seriously and I won’t have to risk being wrong and feeling foolish. If I am overweight I may be excluded from good jobs where I will be expected to be responsible and competent (it is illegal, but it happens). If I am obese I can stay close to home – buses, planes, trains and subways have small seats so I can’t possibly travel.” This thinking provides an illusion of safety.

Being overweight is not simple and generally there are at least a few hidden, unconscious agendas behind the eating behavior. Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and think for a few minutes about the advantages you get from being overweight. Then return to the present. Write those advantages down. Now note any other, more nurturing ways you can take care of yourself and your feelings and write these down. Next, choose one area where you would like to make a change. For example, if you have discovered that one advantage of overeating has been to numb feelings of grief, you might plan to talk with a friend about your loss. In this way, you allow your feelings to surface and find expression and you no longer need food to anesthetize yourself. You can do this exercise often as a way of checking in with yourself and changing your compulsive behavior.

You are making your unconscious conscious and only then can you make the changes you need to make. Send me a note and let me know what you find out! ( denisedeniselamothe.com ) I would love to heare from you!

Life Changes and Emotional Eating

We are always evolving from one stage of life to another, from one body shape to another. We travel over time from babies to little girls or boys, to adolescents, to women and men, to elders. These life passages happen gradually and have profound effects on the ways we view and care for our physical bodies. Do you recall when you first noticed your body was maturing? How did you react to these changes? How did your feelings towards your body change over time? Were you fearful, excited, curious, anxious, or ashamed? Did you talk to anyone about the changes you were noticing or did you struggle with unanswered questions all by yourself?
Many women and men report that they felt confused and lonely through these life changes and most agree that certain life changes were a least somewhat disturbing to them (and most likely led them to eat to soothe their emotions). As we mature our bodies change but society tells us they should not. So, as our bodies change in natural ways throughout our lives, we may see ourselves in negative ways – as fat, unacceptable, unattractive. It is nearly impossible to feel good about ourselves and our bodies in this culture. Most of our bodies could never match those we are taught to view as ideal and even man and women who have achieved this look are often frightened that they will be unable to maintain their thin appearance over time. For a number of my clients, maintaining weight loss has proven far more difficult and stressful than achieving the weight loss in the first place.
It is no wonder that so many of us have been struggling with compulsive eating behaviors for years. Here are these bodies we received at birth behaving in ways that we have no control over. We cannot stop our bodies from developing any more than we can stop our hair from growing or the sun from coming up. Yet we punish our bodies for simply doing what they are supposed to do. We want to look different than we look – be taller, thinner, have curly hair or a different tone to our skin. Part of stopping compulsive eating behavior permanently means accepting each bodily change as a natural part of life and ourselves as exactly who we’re supposed to be. Change those negative, self punishing thoughts to positive, self-loving ones…. This will help!

Moving Helps

I have noticed that most people who come to see me have abandoned their physical selves. Our hearts beat, our breath enters and exits and we are oblivious. We generally do not take the time to acknowledge the miraculous tasks our bodies can perform. If we are not aware of what our bodies are doing, we will not cultivate appreciation for them and this lack of appreciation will make it even easier to abuse them. Conversely, if we take the time to notice and marvel at our wonderful bodies, we will be much more likely to attend to them with awe, compassion and love and it will be harder for us to abuse them.

We need to treat our body in a friendly way. Attending to ourselves in this fashion represents one part of a picture that is forming as we learn about our overeating behavior. To understand compulsive eating and to change old patterns, we must eventually look at the whole picture. For now just know that moving your body is a central piece of the puzzle. Doing so will help you feel better about yourself and overeating will lose some of its appeal. As you feel better, your attitude will change, your emotions will brighten and you will know you are moving along nicely on your Chew Tamer’s Journey.

Start Moving, Stop overeating

I grew up in a house with a large wooded area behind it. When I was small, I would run as fast as I could along the paths trying not to break a single twig or make a sound. I would run swiftly (like a deer, I thought). Sometimes I imagined I was an Indian princess or a brave running to save my village (I never knew from what). The wind would race past my ears. I would feel free and light as I hopped over tiny streams and logs. Moving was a game then. It was about having fun. Do you have a favorite memory of feeling comfortable like that in your body as a child? Many people do, but many do not, especially if they became physically self-conscious early on. For many of us though, moving stopped being fun at some time early in our lives.
I don’t know when I stopped running like a deer, but at some point I did. Maybe I just got too busy with life and the business of paying attention to everyone else. Maybe I got self-conscious as I developed breasts. Maybe I realized that having fun being in my body was for “little kids” and I got too old for that sort of thing. I don’t know. Whatever messages I did receive about my body did not encourage grace and speed unless they referred to competition or exhibition, like dancing class or team sports. What I do know is that the less I moved, the more junk food I ate compulsively. How about you?

Educate yourself to stop overeating

Many of us grew up in families where there was little awareness of healthy eating. The media encouraged our mothers to give us “love” by filling our lunchboxes with white bread and sugary cupcakes. One client told me that she had been raised by her grandmother who decorated cakes to make a living. Her grandmother had little money left over for healthy foods and my client would often be given the leftover cake tops and frosting (frosting sandwiches) for her dinner. In my home, we sometimes had what my mother named “assorted sandwiches.” We loved this meal of little sandwich triangles (on white bread, of course) made from various jellies, butter, white sugar, marshmallow, molasses and peanut butter. Fortunately my mother did not feed us this very often. She did have some nutritional common sense, but many mothers did not and many women suffer today with unhealthy habits left over from childhood.

Although many women come to see me having read nearly everything they could get their hands on regarding diet, it is surprising that they often lack knowledge of the basics about food, nutrition and the effects of substances on their health and body size. To change compulsive eating behavior, you must have basic knowledge about ways in which you are impacted by various foods and beverages, exercise and other physical factors. If you do not, you will continue to feel helpless and to eat in an out of control way.

Remember to register for the exciting webinar This Time I Mean It! This will be 90 minutes of helpful information from myself and two other weight loss strategists. Register now and you will receive the information you need to hop on to the call. Hope to have you there.... This coming Sunday at noon eastern standard time, 3 Pacific.

Have a great week! Dr. Denise

Secondary Gains from Overeating

I often ask clients what they are getting out of their compulsive eating behavior. Most look at me as if I’m from another planet and insist that they get absolutely no benefits from eating compulsively or from being overweight. I can understand their surprised reactions, for how can an issue which feels so painful and all-consuming bring with it any advantages? Inevitably, when I suggest we talk about the possibility, people resist the idea. “How can this weight or this behavior bring me anything positive?” they ask. It seems too hard to think about, impossible to imagine. I often tell them the following story to illustrate my point:
Once I was working with a woman who had been steadily gaining weight since the birth of her first child. She was referred to me by her medical doctor when her weight began seriously taking its toll on her health. She was dangerously obese when we met and was becoming increasingly depressed and discouraged. We worked together for quite a while and, despite all of her best efforts and mine, she continued to put on more weight. Sporadically she would make attempts to take control of her emotional eating but nothing was effective.
One day, after several months of unsuccessful weight loss attempts, we began talking about her family situation and she disclosed to me that her husband badly wanted another child. Her first child, an extremely active little girl, kept her busy constantly and she strongly resisted the idea of adding to their family (and thus her workload). She feared her husband’s anger and possible abandonment if she openly stated that she did not want another child to care for. Soon she realized that her weight kept her from having to confront her husband or deal with the issue at all. Her doctor had emphatically told her that having another child was far too dangerous an undertaking if she became pregnant at her current weight. Losing weight would mean confronting the issue and admitting the truth to her spouse. Once she realized this she knew that she would never let go of her extra pounds until she figured out how to handle this matter directly with her husband.
Scenarios like this one happen frequently as part of the therapy process. People sometimes find out that their weight and out-of-control behavior provides them with illusions of safety. If they are overweight, they can avoid the situations that they fear. They may think such thoughts as, “If I am heavy, no one will make advances towards me. If I am fat, I can’t possibly _______ (fill in the blank: go to school, ask for anything, be successful, take risks, compete with others, have a good relationship, etc.) If I am fat, I won’t be called upon to give my opinions or ideas. People won’t take me seriously and I won’t have to risk being wrong and feeling foolish. If I am overweight I may be excluded from good jobs where I will be expected to be responsible and competent (it is illegal, but it happens). If I am obese I can stay close to home – buses, planes, trains and subways have small seats so I can’t possibly travel.” This thinking provides an illusion of safety.
Being overweight is not simple and generally there are at least a few hidden, unconscious agendas behind the eating behavior. Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and think for a few minutes about the advantages you get from being overweight. Then return to the present. Write those advantages down. Now note any other, more nurturing ways you can take care of yourself and your feelings and write these down. Next, choose one area where you would like to make a change. For example, if you have discovered that one advantage of overeating has been to numb feelings of grief, you might plan to talk with a friend about your loss. In this way, you allow your feelings to surface and find expression and you no longer need food to anesthetize yourself. You can do this exercise often as a way of checking in with yourself and changing your compulsive behavior.

My warmest wishes, Dr. Denise