Make Today Count!

So what will you create today? My little puppy Sapphi takes full advantage of every single moment! She is always in the present and is my role model! No kidding! Many of us go through the majority of our days on auto-pilot. We get up, shower, dress, maybe eat and then are off to work or we get involved in things at home. The first thing we know it is the end of the day. We may eat supper, watch TV or read and then we collapse into bed and the alarm clock soon warns us that it is time to get up and do it all over again. Days, weeks, months or years later, we look back and say, “Where did that time go?” and wonder what we did and why we don’t feel better.

It is easy to go through each day on auto-pilot but is that really what you want to do? Existing in a “no think” may be customary for you but what would you like your day to be instead?

How can you make today count? Please take a little bit of time each day to ask yourself this vital question. Mix up your routine a bit. Give yourself some time to play, to be joyful and to relax. Perhaps you can forego a half hour of television to engage in some activity or pastime you enjoy. What could you do differently today?

Think about you day as a gift and consider what is the very best way to use that precious gift today. Maybe you would like to call a friend you haven’t connected with lately, visit someone you’d like to see. Allow time to soak in a warm bath or to read a book you are enjoying. Give to yourself and you will consequently have more time and more energy for everything and everyone else.

Funny how that is!

Be the creator today and create your day as you would like it to be. Do this consciously. Do this daily and watch how much better you feel and how little importance to give to food. (No more emotional eating!)It will make all the difference!

Emotional eating and intimacy connected

We eat for so many reasons! One situation that often leads us to soothe our anxiety with food is when we perceive our independence as threatened by others – when people seem too “close.” We also eat when others seem too “far away” from us. It is difficult for most of us to flow with the changing levels of closeness we feel. One minute we may feel close to someone only to feel far away later. Our relationships are always in flux and it is often difficult to adjust and re-adjust to someone’s closeness or distance.

Because we cannot control the level of intimacy we experience with another, we may feel afraid and out of control, threatened or abandoned. Then we may seek food to soothe the anxiety that comes with these feelings. How close or distant to be with another is difficult to know at times. Healthy relationships always require a flow – a give and take – of energy. Most of us were never taught how to achieve and maintain appropriate levels of intimacy – how to dance with the changing rhythms in a relationship. This takes knowledge and practice.

It is vital to understand that because someone may feel distant at times it has nothing to do with us. If the other person is experiencing their own feelings and choosing to shut down emotionally there is nothing we can do. Loving ourselves and tending to the most important relationship – the one we have with ourselves - is all we really have control over. So attend to yourself. If you feel abandoned or hurt by another, please be extra gentle with yourself. Emotional overeating will only make things worse in the long run.

Be well – warm wishes, Dr. Denise, Emotional Eating Expert

Do you feel out of control?

Many of us who struggle with our eating behavior in general and emotional eating in particular may feel out of control in other areas of our lives as well. Perhaps our relationships are not satisfying or someone close to us is ill or in emotional pain. We may have been viewing ourselves as “soothers” or “givers.” Most of us have grown up with clear messages that it is our job to take care of those around us. We may imagine that it is our innate responsibility to keep all those around us free from any form of pain or suffering. We respond to everyone else’s needs and lose sight of our own. We allow others to occupy the spaces in our minds and hearts.

We push ourselves out of the picture instead of keeping ourselves and our needs in the foreground. We think we have to protect everyone. It doesn’t matter that this is impossible. If, for example, we see a loved one experiencing distress, we may feel guilty and upset – as if we are personally responsible for their pain. There are good reasons for this and for the many other distorted perceptions we experience. We will consider more reasons for overeating in future blogs but for now please know that feeling out of control with food generally means we are feeling out of control in other areas of our life as well.

my very best,
Dr. Denise,
Emotional Eating Expert

Explaining my Practice

Besides being an emotional eating expert, professional speaker and author, I have a private counseling practice. I am often asked to explain my clinical practice and so I am sharing my philosophy and practice with you in this blog. I hope you find it useful.

My practice is atypical. I function both as clinical psychologist and doctor of holistic health. The combination of roles provides a unique opportunity to incorporate a naturopathic philosophy into my overall practice. I tailor my course of action with each client depending upon their needs as they present them. I will outline many aspects of my work but first the most essential is the concept of respect – for the client, for the process and for myself as helper. This is the cornerstone of any successful practice.

When anyone inquires about my services, I engage them in a collaborative conversation. I want to know how they perceive their needs and what their perceptions are regarding the situation for which they are seeking help. This must be a mutual process. It will unfold through a combination of efforts – their’s and mine. I have great respect for my clients’ objectives. They know what they want and are looking for ways to achieve the goals they set. I function as a resource and facilitator. My training and experience is used to assist them along the path they have chosen.

Sometimes through the process of our work together a client might feel the route they are taking is not serving their best interest. This may happen many times throughout the course of our meetings. I encourage clients to revisit their goals and then we discuss the new options that manifest themselves. This often results in a change of direction and movement towards something more fitting and productive. When it occurs, this is a positive step and leads to greater understanding and more vibrant health. Each person has the opportunity to reevaluate and rethink former decisions and become more focused and flexible. These are necessary life skills and enhance the client’s self-esteem.

I am interested in a person’s entire being. It is vital to know how they are caring for themselves physically, emotionally, intellectually, environmentally and spiritually. It is also important to know some things about their socialization process and the forces that have shaped their ideas of how to perform in the world. I inquire about expectations they have based on their gender, skin color, age, sexual orientation, level of education, etc. and I ask about their lifestyle in general and how closely connected they are to other people and to nature.

It is important that I use my skill and knowledge to help clients assess how they are caring for themselves physically. We discuss the importance of a nutrient dense diet that is as natural as possible. I tell them about different vitamins, herbs or food that may be helpful to them. I stress the benefits of sunshine, fresh air, moderate exercise, rest and play. I never prescribe anything. Instead I make them aware of alternative options. I talk about helpful services they may not be familiar with, such as Reiki, Polarity, Massage, etc. They choose what modalities sound interesting and decide what they would like to explore.

Some clients benefit from consulting a nutritionist. Others engage the services of a personal trainer or schedule acupuncture treatments. My role is to educate and to provide as many resources and viable options as I can. I do not presume to know exactly what my clients need although I do believe in educating them and introducing them to relevant books and publications so they can enlighten themselves further. In this way they make clear, informed choices and take full advantage of the healing modalities available today. I help each client explore various courses of action and assist them in making a plan for themselves and in refining that plan from time to time. Ultimately it is their responsibility to choose the options they wish to explore and to follow through.

If they report they are having difficulty, we address their resistance to change and examine some of their self-imposed limitations. We also discuss their feelings about making life-style changes. As a psychologist I again enlist the client’s aid in this process. It is never “I the doctor” and “you the patient”. It is always “us”, engaged in a respectful, mutual process of exploration where we combine our energy and insights to promote movement toward optimal health. We become a team. This creates a more open, relaxed and trusting atmosphere in which to explore all possibilities.

This inevitably results in more choices for my clients – choices about available options, possible directions to head in, services to seek and ways to increase their knowledge. My goal is to listen closely, to help each person move towards greater awareness of themselves and to discover ways to access and utilize their personal healing power. It is my role to encourage each client to assume responsibility for themselves which includes their choices in the present as well as how they have operated in the past. I urge them to look at themselves with gentle eyes -- not feeling judgmental, ashamed or guilty. I explain that the past is gone and choices made then do not prevent us from making different, healthier, more self-loving choices now. I encourage them to let go of the past and remember there are no mistakes, only lessons. I urge clients to be mindful and to stay in present time as much as possible. I encourage each to focus on making as many self-loving choices as possible in each present moment.

I also ask clients to pay close attention to their spiritual selves and to nurture the spiritual light within. I urge them to spend quiet time each day going inside of themselves to discover their peaceful center. I teach meditation, deep breathing or some type of reflective practice if they are open to it. I also encourage them to pray. This helps them quiet the incessant chatter of daily living, notice their true feelings and to discover what they really want.

I offer suggestions to help people uncover and strengthen their spiritual, creative and playful natures. For example, I might suggest starting a journal, spending more time in nature, taking an art class, dancing, singing in a choir, writing poetry or joining a cooking class. It all depends upon the client’s abilities, motivation and interests.

As a clinician I realize the importance of maintaining my own attitude of curiosity and am constantly educating myself. It is vital that I keep up with what is going on in the fields of psychology and holistic health in order to disseminate current, accurate information and offer the best service to each client.

It is also imperative that I model the healthiest lifestyle possible for my clients. I take the best care of my body, mind and spirit. Of course, I cannot do this perfectly at all times, nor can my clients. I share this with them, letting them know that what is important is not that we are perfect but that we do our best. There are no mistakes -- only lessons and no one can expect to behave perfectly in every moment. It is the human way to make less than self-loving choices at times. The road to optimal health is to recognize when we drift off course and to make our best effort to reset our compass in a healthier, more self-loving direction.

I also create a peaceful atmosphere in the office for my clients and myself and talk with them about the importance of freeing their chi energy. We discuss the principles of feng shui and ways to make changes in their home and work environments to help their movement towards greater, more vibrant health.

As I continue to educate myself and to evolve, I share myself freely with clients. This is humbling, sacred work and each time I sit with a client I ask spirit to guide my words and actions. I remind myself that each person is entering my space with their own agenda and it is their agenda that is important – not mine. I love this work. I feel blessed and I silently salute the spirit within each person whom I serve.

Be playful -- It helps!

An attitude of playfulness helps stop emotional eating and ease the difficulties that are bound to arise on every Chew Tamer’s journey. It is an essential part of our healing process. I often ask my clients to share their childhood adventures with me -- things that took place before they learned the adult lessons of being fearful, worried and over-burdened caretakers. We discuss these stories and often they are surprised and delighted to discover that they have a playful, creative little imp hidden deep within. Many who come into my office, with or without food control issues, find reclaiming childhood playfulness frees them to become interested and involved in the development of something new in their lives. This information may manifest immediately in positive changes or in more subtle changes that take longer.

As an emotional eating expert and clinical psychologist, I have learned that epiphanies come in their own way and at their own time. Ask yourself what you would like to add to your personal life. Don't consider an activity because you feel you should like it or because someone makes a suggestion. Only consider things that ring true for you. Close your eyes right now and think about times you have felt joyful. Then ask yourself these questions: When were some of those times? Why did you feel so happy? What made those experiences important and freeing? Were these times you took on challenges, spent time with neighborhood friends or enjoyed an activity by yourself? What can you do today to recapture some of those joyful, illusive feelings?

Who are you? Are you a painter, a skydiver or a gourmet cook? Maybe you're a deep-sea diver or a yoga instructor. It doesn't matter. What does matter is that you're having fun. Try different things. If you try something and don't like it, try something else. Get actively involved in the process of living your life consciously. Be proactive, not reactive. Don't wait for life to happen, because it won't. Only you can do it. If you don't take responsibility for making the changes you want and creating the YOU you want to be, no one will. Managing your life is your job. Don't think of yourself as a victim. The time to act is now! Each moment that passes by without doing something for yourself is one more moment you have missed. Don't wait!

I certainly missed my share of opportunities along with many of the gifts life has to offer. My words are written solely to give you the impetus to create the most exciting life you can. Separate yourself from all the roles you play in life - parent, child, friend, partner, etc. - and spend time thinking of who YOU are. When I ask a client "Who are you?" I often get a teary reaction, simply because a conscious response has never been considered. Most people are far too busy playing roles they have learned to play and attending to everyone else. Spend time contemplating what you love to do. Brainstorm some ideas. No matter how far-fetched or impossible they seem, capture them on paper. This will grease the cogs of your brain and refresh your spirit. Feelings deep inside of you will become the manifestations of your dreams. You cannot create something new in your life if you don't know what you want. Spend time discovering who you are. Only then can you move towards the life you truly want to have - filled with zest, joy, health and balance.

Start now to uncover the creative, playful, delightful little imp dwelling deep inside of you!

Worrier or Warrior?

As the emotional eating expert, I often ask my clients "What do you love to do? What are you passionate about? When was the last time you became totally immersed in an activity?" Many of us spend our days simply, mindlessly making it through to the next day and then to the day after that. Then we ask ourselves if this is what life is supposed to be like. Is this really all there is to it? Is the hokey pokey really what it’s all about? If that is so then anesthetizing ourselves with sugars and carbohydrates certainly makes sense.

We create our lives. You have most likely heard this many times in the past but perhaps you lost that thought amid the bombardment of every day concerns. What would it mean to you to create your life? When would you begin and how would you proceed? When was the last time you sat in stillness to think about this? Have you ever taken the quiet, reflective time necessary to come to truly know yourself?

If we don’t spend the time and effort to go within, we end up living as robots performing the tasks that we imagine we are supposed to perform. Life can feel empty and meaningless and we self-soothe our discontented, unfulfilled feelings with substances – food, drugs, alcohol, etc. Perhaps there are more efficient and meaningful ways to conduct our lives and not risk the danger of developing an eating disorder.

We have a blueprint of ways to begin. Eat well. Choose live foods that fill our bodies with nourishment. Give our bodies the tender loving care they deserve. Give them lots of pure water, a moderate amount of sunshine, ample rest, exercise and lots of things to smile about. Give your body attention. Get a massage, stretch, breathe, and giggle. Begin to relax and stop taking everything so personally and so seriously.

This has been a major challenge for me. I have always been a “worrier”. I worried about my Mom and Dad, my children, animals, partners, friends, and the weather. You name it. I worried about it all. I kept myself in a state of constant anxiety. I can’t explain why. Nor do I think it is necessary or important that I understand the origins of all my quirks. Suffice it to say that I arrived in adulthood with the notion that I should take care of everyone around me. Translated this means that I felt I needed to control them. If I saw someone failing to do what I thought was best for him or her or if I saw someone I cared about in pain, I would rush to the rescue. I thought I knew what was best for everyone. I was wrong.

One day it occurred to me that taking everyone’s pain away and minding his or her business might not actually be my job. This was an intriguing thought indeed! My job was to respect them, love them and validate their choices and feelings. I also learned I had to love, respect and validate myself. This was a revelation! It seemed remarkable that I could begin to pay attention to myself – a novel idea that frightened me. I resisted the idea as most of my clients do, as I feared people would not love me if I didn’t hover over each of them with concern and advice. My next question was ‘how do I do this?

I began setting boundaries and saying “no” sometimes. I made time for myself and thought about what my needs were as I went through each day. I was still present to listen to others and often I attended to their needs. But I made it a point to make my needs equally important. Gradually I noticed that people seemed to respect me more and I began to feel more joyful. I deserved to take care of myself. You do too!