It Takes a Little Courage to Stop Overeating

Throughout my life I struggled with anxiety and depression. I went through the gamut of eating disorders, surviving anorexia, seven years of bulimia, followed by binge eating, and extreme obesity. I was all over the map emotionally and physically. I was homeless for a period of time and eventually married and gave birth to three children. Still, I suffered and there was no end in sight to my self- destructive behaviors. I was living my life in service of everybody else and neglecting myself but I didn’t realize this.

I arrived in my adulthood driven to take care of everyone around me. Translated, this meant I needed to control them. If I saw someone failing to do what I thought was best, I would rush to the rescue. I thought I knew what was best for everyone. I was wrong.

One day it occurred to me that taking everyone's pain away and minding other people's business might not actually be my job. If I was spending my time minding other peoples’ business, who was minding mine? No, my job was to respect and love them but also to validate their choices and their feelings. I learned I also had to love, respect, and validate myself. This was a revelation! It seemed remarkable that I could begin to pay attention to myself. A novel and frightening idea! I resisted because I was afraid people wouldn't love me if I wasn't hovering with concern and advice. Again I was wrong.

But how to change?

How could I, a woman with low self-esteem and no confidence in my early twenties, find what I needed to jump-start my way into a different life experience? I was an unhealthy, overweight, overworked young mother of three. How was I going to find the vitality and enthusiasm that I so badly needed for each day? How could I convert a worrier's persona into that of a “warrior”? How could I become brave? It was going to take many steps, mostly forward; but I also needed to know there would be some slipping and sliding backward in the process. I had no idea what to do.

Then I took a big risk. My kick-start and one of the first steps toward my empowerment was learning to ride an off-road motorcycle, something I had always wanted to do. (OK, call me crazy.) I placed my large derriere on top of a very fast motorcycle and challenged myself to become an off-road motorcycle racer. I didn't want to be just a woman riding a bike; I wanted to ride well, fast, and ultimately race. The idea seemed preposterous at the onset, but, as I began to ride–at first very slowly and cautiously–I discovered a whole new me hiding inside. Suddenly the world seemed different. I felt more powerful, more adventurous, and I began to build confidence and value myself more than I imagined possible.

The thought of being on a motorcycle was preposterous at the time. I was extremely overweight, always tired, and often depressed. I was scared and lacked confidence. However, I had this picture in my mind of flying down the woodland trails, weaving from side to side with a big smile on my face as I negotiated the twists and turns of the terrain. Most of the time, it wasn't that easy or romantic. In fact it wasn’t like that at all. My vision certainly did not match reality.

I spent more time on the ground, in the mud, or under my bike than I did on top of it. I had to wear long sleeves and pants to cover my bruises. Then I noticed that each time I rode, I stayed upright a little longer than I had before. I wore tall leather boots, a belt to protect my kidneys, lots of padding, and thick gloves. Eventually, I learned how to cross railroad tracks and logs. Soon I could negotiate deep water holes without falling (at least most of the time). Each trail, power line, or mud hole I encountered presented a new challenge. Racing became a metaphor for my life. Gradually, I was able to apply my new self-confidence to everyday challenges. Of course I still had a long way to go. There were times I was flying along through life with a big smile; at other times, I felt as I did before: stuck in deep mud or upside-down off the trail with my bike on top of me.

As the months and years slid by, I noticed trail-riding was less painful. Focusing on the trail ahead and my performance took my mind off the more difficult aspects of daily life. I began to feel more alive and less anxious and depressed. I became more confident and discovered my progress riding the trail paralleled my progress in life. I noticed I was having more fun–both on and off my motorcycle.

Surely this was about much more than just sitting on a bike! Actually, each ride propelled me into a more positive frame of mind. As my skills on my bike improved, I felt more competent in my role as wife, mother, daughter, and employee. I was more conscious of how I treated my body, and this led to taking better care of my mind and spirit, as well. Please note: I'm not saying this one act of motorcycling provided me with a magic answer or that my path was miraculously transformed into a positive, productive one. I am saying it was a start, a kick start.

Now I feel too old to race. I don’t have the quick reflexes that I had 30 years ago. But the lessons of living my life courageously, keeping myself and my own needs in focus have never faded. I now enjoy my life. Anxiety and depression may creep in around the edges at times, but that is the way life is for any human being and no one can feel fabulous every minute. For the most part however, my life is balanced, healthy and joyful! I wish everyone the same!

Happy New Year and be sure to get your autographed copy of The Appetite Connection. It will help you move into 2012 with renewed vigor and joy!

Many Blessings! Dr. Denise

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Teen Eating Disorders

A recent study, supported by The National Institute of Mental Health, reported in Med Page Today, http://www.medpagetoday.com/, highlights the seriousness of eating problems in adolescents in our country, finding that they have a rate of eating disorders only slightly less than that reported in adults. It is not surprising that young people are as affected as the pressures on them to look, act and be certain ways mount and food control is one way they may attempt to control themselves and their environment. Sugars and simple carbohydrates abound in the youth culture, are extremely addictive for most and often just as effective as drugs or alcohol at numbing feelings and helping one to escape from the realities and pressures of life.

In over twenty-five years of private practice I have been helping people, young and old, to overcome eating problems and the work is often discouraging and frustrating for all of them. I do understand this, having suffered with anorexia for a long while, bulimia for about seven years, binge eating disorder and extreme obesity – finally feeling at peace today about my body and food.

I have discovered that it is not about being thin. It is about feeling balanced and happy and enjoying life. It saddens me to see so many people spending their days thinking of how they can be smaller, fooling themselves into thinking that they will be happy “then.” The time to be happy is now but as long as your energy is directed at what you perceive as “wrong” about you, you can never appreciate all the wonderful things there are about yourself.

Understanding and overcoming over- (or under-) eating is complex but can be done. It requires that you question those messages that you are constantly bombarded with to be different. You may think you will garner approval if you do your best to please everyone else, but that will never work. You are the only one you need to listen to. You have the wisdom to decide what’s best for yourself. Several times a day, close your eyes, breathe and focus within yourself. Think about what you want, what you need at that moment and notice how you feel. Then ask yourself what you truly need at the moment. It may actually be to eat but chances are it is not.

Don’t beat yourself up for craving. That will never help! Sugars, fats and salt are highly addictive so be aware when you choose them that you are likely to want more. Make the best choices you can in all areas of your life. When you’re tired, rest. If you’re sad, cry. If you’re lonely, call a friend. Do not expect to behave perfectly. That is not the human way and if you set that impossible goal, you are guaranteed to fail. Above all else, nurture yourself with all the love and care you need and certainly deserve! As you do, your body will come to its ideal weight.

Benefits of being overweight

When I suggest there may be something you are getting out of your extra pounds, you may think my idea is absurd! But, as a Clinical Psychologist, Weight Loss Analyst and someone who has struggled with and survived the entire spectrum of eating disorders with over 25 years of personal and professional experience, I know this to be true.

Being overweight is not simple and generally there are at least a few hidden, unconscious agendas behind the eating behavior. Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and think for a few minutes about the advantages you get from being overweight. Then return to the present. Write those advantages down. Perhaps your weight provides the illusion of safety. For example it can keep you from taking the risk to be in a romantic relationhip or it gives you an excuse to stay home and hide.

Now note any other, more nurturing ways you can take care of yourself and your feelings and write these down. Next, choose one area where you would like to make a change. For example, if you have discovered that one advantage of overeating has been to numb feelings of grief, you might plan to talk with a friend about your loss. In this way, you allow your feelings to surface and find expression and you no longer need food to anesthetize yourself. You can do this exercise often as a way of checking in with yourself and changing your compulsive behavior.

It works!

My best,
Dr. Denise

Inspiration from Dr. Denise Lamothe

A few days ago I received an e-mail from a young man who had been struggling with eating problems throughout his life. His had yo-yo dieted for many years before his weight skyrocketed to 495 pounds. He was dianosed with a debilitating, frightening heart condition and this was indeed his wake-up call. He consented to lap band surgery and began educating himself about his self-destructive eating -- looking at the physical, emotional, spocial and spiritual aspects of this frustrating issue. He was kind enough to write and tell me that reading The Taming of the Chew gave him the hope he so desperately needed to begin walking down his own path to a healthier life. He is working now on loving himself, staying in the present, giving up perfectionistic self expectations and being gentle with himself. He is embracing his challenge and he has inspired me! That's why I am sharing him with you!

Enjoy Spring!

What about the children?

We have created a situation that is dangerous for our children. According to a recent article by Dr. Andrew Weil, “Excess weight is the most common health problem facing youngsters, and the number of teens considered overweight has almost tripled in twenty years.” We have more obese children than ever before and that number is increasing rapidly. We hear all too often about overweight children being diagnosed with type 2 diabetes (which in the past was found so rarely in children that it was referred to as “adult onset” diabetes). We hear more about
eating disorders -- mostly in girls but in many boys too. Even in grammar school little girls worry about being fat. They already want to diet – to look like fashion models, rock stars or actresses on television. They want to fit in, to be popular and pretty and this starts at a very tender age.
Mothers and fathers fret. They attempt to force their daughters and sons either to eat or to stop eating. Parents plead and threaten and scold. They bargain and beg. As caretakers we want our children to do the “right” things and to develop health-promoting habits. We tell our sons and daughters the right things to do. When they do not act in the ways we have carefully taught them, we get frustrated. Parents try so hard and so often fail.
We can make changes on a moment-to-moment basis based on new information we acquire and we can help our children develop into the most clear, energetic, healthy and loving human beings possible. Their survival and ultimately the survival of our species and our world depends upon this. This may sound melodramatic but we must change the dangerous course that we and our children are on. We must move from the extremes of anorexia and obesity towards balance and health. We and our children can learn to make healthier food choices, to appreciate life, to be more flexible and to trust our inner guidance. We can begin to accept and admire different body shapes and sizes. We can move away from rigid diets and society’s ridiculous obsession with being thin towards more loving, natural, flexible and healthy behaviors
I unequivocally guarantee that I was never even close to being the “perfect” mother. My mother and father were not “perfect” parents either. We each did the best we could at the time based on the knowledge, resources and energy we had. My parents loved me although at times I may not have thought so or appreciated their efforts to guide me. I adored my children even though it may not always have appeared that way to them.
If you would like a free copy of my “Tips to Help The Children” please e-mail me at denise@deniselamothe.com put "tips in the subject line and request a copy. I am happy to send you one. Meanwhile, have a fabulous summer day!
Dr. Denise

Food Control is Difficult

Food control is difficult for many, if not most of us. At times we may feel possessed by urges to stuff ourselves full of excess calories. We are then listening to the voice of our “Chew”. We all have a “Chew”, also known as our “saboteur”. This is the part of each of us that says, “Go ahead, eat whatever you want. You deserve it! It is OK to dive right into that sugary, carbohydrate-laden snack. Life is tough! Enjoy it all! You can worry about your weight/health tomorrow, or Monday, or next week!” Do any of those messages sound familiar?

Certainly it is fine to indulge now and then. Life is to be enjoyed and so is food. For most of us, however, stopping our eating can be tricky at times. We crave. We overeat. We feel bad about doing it. We admonish ourselves which can lead to more craving and continued overeating and then, no matter how much we put into our mouths, we often don’t feel satiated. (This pattern can lead to serious eating disorders in some cases.)

We are not content because satisfying the “Chew” requires more than candy bars, sodas and pasta. Being truly satiated means attending to all of our needs, not simply our need for food. We have to fuel our bodies regularly to function and must make nutritious choices as often as we can. This does not mean eating perfectly at all times. We also require other things such as adequate rest, plenty of water, a fair amount of exercise, companionship and now and then laughter.

We are not simple or one-dimensional. We are complex beings with multiple needs and we have to nurture our emotional, intellectual and spiritual selves as well as care for our bodies. We may be doing our best to fulfill our physical needs for nourishment, rest sunshine and exercise but we may not be quite as tuned in to providing nourishment to our whole selves. We all have many needs and these are often neglected with today’s emphasis on glamour and perfection. We try to be perfect, to look perfect and to eat perfectly. This is not possible! We cannot do it. Most of us would never expect those around us to behave perfectly at all times, nor would we punish them if they occasionally overindulged.

As mentioned in earlier blogs and The Taming of the Chew, it is the human way to overeat sometimes and, at other times to eat less than our bodies need. It is the striving for perfection that repeatedly gets us into trouble. Because we are human, we set ourselves up to fail if we strive to be perfect. We set this impossible goal, fail to meet our expectations, and end up feeling like failures. We punish ourselves by heading for the nearest “fix” of chocolate, pasta or cookies to help us feel better.
Instead of dieting, bingeing, depriving yourself and beating yourself up, be gentle with yourself. Think of what you truly need and treat yourself with love. As always, I remind you, you are worth i