Many of us never learned how to communicate within ourselves or with others. As we practice the skill of attending to our inner being and listening to our feeling messages, we are likely to discover that we want and need to communicate more honestly, clearly, and fully with those around us. This is not easy for many of us. Most of us were taught to be quiet from an early age (Children should be seen and not heard!). If we did dare to speak up we may have been reprimanded, ridiculed or discounted. Our precious thoughts may have been negated and our feelings invalidated. Soon we learned to withhold our true thoughts and to bury our feelings deep inside -- so deep that we may have lost touch with them ourselves. These consequences of our self-expression were painful, and it didn’t take us long to realize and appreciate the soothing relief we could find with a few cookies or a big dish of ice cream.
So now, when it is important for us to speak up as adults we may feel fearful. This is understandable given the ways our communication may have been received in the past. Ask yourself what is your worst fear if you speak up in the particular situation that concerns you. The ask, “is this fear realistic?” What’s the worst thing that could happen? Sometimes knowing what your greatest fear is can dispel the power you have given away in anticipation of a confrontation or rejection. It is easier by far to swallow a brownie than to tell your neighbor you don’t want to care for her child again. But, if you don’t speak up, and she doesn’t happen to be a mind reader, nothing will change and you will likely go on eating an endless supply of sweets, gaining weight, and harboring greater resentment towards her for taking advantage of you and towards yourself for allowing her to. Then you will need more anesthetic sugar fixes to keep that anger and resentment at bay.
So it is vital that you learn to assert yourself and communicate what your wants and needs truly are. You deserve to ask for what you want and to express yourself. Your feelings are no more or less important than anyone else’s. You can always ask for what you need and express all that you wish to express. This earthly life is your experience, and you are responsible for creating the experience you want. Others around you are responsible for creating their own life experiences. You can’t live your life to serve their needs to the exclusion of your own. Nor can you expect others to read your mind, discover what your needs are, and live their lives in service of you. Each of us must make our own choices and create the most positive, joyful life possible.
Here is a simple communication formula that many find helpful to express their thoughts and feelings.
(feeling) (behavior)
I feel___________ when you_____________. For example, “I feel angry when you leave your clothes all over the floor.” To use this formula effectively, you will first need to learn how to recognize and name your feelings. Once you are clear about how you feel, you can then name a specific behavior that you would like to address with the other person. In a perfect world, they might respond to your communication by saying something such as, “Oh, I am sorry. I will now pick up my clothes since I now know you don’t like me to leave them on the floor.” Chances of that happening, however, are slim. Usually you will have to tell them more than once. If they still do not respond to your request, it is time to add to the communication formula and to name a consequence.
(feeling) (behavior)
I feel___________ when you_____________ and if you
(consequence)
continue,_________________.
For example, “I feel angry when you leave your clothes all over the floor and if you continue, I will throw them out the bathroom window.” Now, your consequence must be appropriate to the crime and something you can actually do. Then you must follow through. If you communicate clearly using this technique, people will begin to take you seriously, and you will no longer feel helpless and invisible. Try it and see!
As mentioned in The Taming of the Chew, if you are lacking good communication and assertiveness skills, investigate opportunities in your area for groups or classes where you can learn and practice these essential skills. Knowing how to speak up and to stand up for yourself will empower you, and you will not need food as medication
Monday, August 10, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
How do we break the overeating cycle?
Sorry to have been away from my blog these past weeks. Vacation was wonderful and although I intended to keep up with things, my urges to hike and relax and eat fabulous food were stronger. So now I am back and no more trips are planned for a while. Thank you for your patience and I welcome you back to my weekly posts. Please do be in touch. I would love to hear from you with your questions, concerns or ideas for coming posts.
Millions of people can't stop eating even though they have already eaten more than enough to fuel their bodies. Most of us will do this occasionally. During these times when we overindulge we are likely to feel unhappy, frustrated and discouraged. Our self-esteem level plummets and, even though we may realize that we are damaging our health, we feel helpless to stop. Did you ever wonder why that is? There are many reasons.
We are constantly flooding with emotion and seldom paying attention to what the messages are that our feelings are delivering so faithfully to us. Cues in our environment drive our behavior and when we are faced with variety or excessive portions of foods high in sugar, fat, and salt most of us will overeat. Our desire for our sugar/fat/salt “fix” or reward is so strong that it usually trumps our desire for balance. This is the point where our overeating behavior crosses the “what the hell line” that I talk about in The Taming of the Chew. We then have little or no regard for the consequences of our repeated binging behavior.
Where the numbers on the scale settle is not because of a set point but instead a result of our motivation, how we seek certain foods to soothe our emotions and food's availability and the portion sizes that face us when we are served a meal. So, if cues are constantly surrounding us to eat and the urge for reward gets set in motion then how do we break the cycle of that eventually becoming a habit?
I have a list available of 30 tips to control overeating. If you would like a free copy, just email me at denise@deniselamothe.com and I will send you a copy. Meanwhile, enjoy the day!
It's good to be back!
Warmly,
Dr. Denise
Millions of people can't stop eating even though they have already eaten more than enough to fuel their bodies. Most of us will do this occasionally. During these times when we overindulge we are likely to feel unhappy, frustrated and discouraged. Our self-esteem level plummets and, even though we may realize that we are damaging our health, we feel helpless to stop. Did you ever wonder why that is? There are many reasons.
We are constantly flooding with emotion and seldom paying attention to what the messages are that our feelings are delivering so faithfully to us. Cues in our environment drive our behavior and when we are faced with variety or excessive portions of foods high in sugar, fat, and salt most of us will overeat. Our desire for our sugar/fat/salt “fix” or reward is so strong that it usually trumps our desire for balance. This is the point where our overeating behavior crosses the “what the hell line” that I talk about in The Taming of the Chew. We then have little or no regard for the consequences of our repeated binging behavior.
Where the numbers on the scale settle is not because of a set point but instead a result of our motivation, how we seek certain foods to soothe our emotions and food's availability and the portion sizes that face us when we are served a meal. So, if cues are constantly surrounding us to eat and the urge for reward gets set in motion then how do we break the cycle of that eventually becoming a habit?
I have a list available of 30 tips to control overeating. If you would like a free copy, just email me at denise@deniselamothe.com and I will send you a copy. Meanwhile, enjoy the day!
It's good to be back!
Warmly,
Dr. Denise
Monday, July 6, 2009
What about the children?
We have created a situation that is dangerous for our children. According to a recent article by Dr. Andrew Weil, “Excess weight is the most common health problem facing youngsters, and the number of teens considered overweight has almost tripled in twenty years.” We have more obese children than ever before and that number is increasing rapidly. We hear all too often about overweight children being diagnosed with type 2 diabetes (which in the past was found so rarely in children that it was referred to as “adult onset” diabetes). We hear more about
eating disorders -- mostly in girls but in many boys too. Even in grammar school little girls worry about being fat. They already want to diet – to look like fashion models, rock stars or actresses on television. They want to fit in, to be popular and pretty and this starts at a very tender age.
Mothers and fathers fret. They attempt to force their daughters and sons either to eat or to stop eating. Parents plead and threaten and scold. They bargain and beg. As caretakers we want our children to do the “right” things and to develop health-promoting habits. We tell our sons and daughters the right things to do. When they do not act in the ways we have carefully taught them, we get frustrated. Parents try so hard and so often fail.
We can make changes on a moment-to-moment basis based on new information we acquire and we can help our children develop into the most clear, energetic, healthy and loving human beings possible. Their survival and ultimately the survival of our species and our world depends upon this. This may sound melodramatic but we must change the dangerous course that we and our children are on. We must move from the extremes of anorexia and obesity towards balance and health. We and our children can learn to make healthier food choices, to appreciate life, to be more flexible and to trust our inner guidance. We can begin to accept and admire different body shapes and sizes. We can move away from rigid diets and society’s ridiculous obsession with being thin towards more loving, natural, flexible and healthy behaviors
I unequivocally guarantee that I was never even close to being the “perfect” mother. My mother and father were not “perfect” parents either. We each did the best we could at the time based on the knowledge, resources and energy we had. My parents loved me although at times I may not have thought so or appreciated their efforts to guide me. I adored my children even though it may not always have appeared that way to them.
If you would like a free copy of my “Tips to Help The Children” please e-mail me at denise@deniselamothe.com put "tips in the subject line and request a copy. I am happy to send you one. Meanwhile, have a fabulous summer day!
Dr. Denise
eating disorders -- mostly in girls but in many boys too. Even in grammar school little girls worry about being fat. They already want to diet – to look like fashion models, rock stars or actresses on television. They want to fit in, to be popular and pretty and this starts at a very tender age.
Mothers and fathers fret. They attempt to force their daughters and sons either to eat or to stop eating. Parents plead and threaten and scold. They bargain and beg. As caretakers we want our children to do the “right” things and to develop health-promoting habits. We tell our sons and daughters the right things to do. When they do not act in the ways we have carefully taught them, we get frustrated. Parents try so hard and so often fail.
We can make changes on a moment-to-moment basis based on new information we acquire and we can help our children develop into the most clear, energetic, healthy and loving human beings possible. Their survival and ultimately the survival of our species and our world depends upon this. This may sound melodramatic but we must change the dangerous course that we and our children are on. We must move from the extremes of anorexia and obesity towards balance and health. We and our children can learn to make healthier food choices, to appreciate life, to be more flexible and to trust our inner guidance. We can begin to accept and admire different body shapes and sizes. We can move away from rigid diets and society’s ridiculous obsession with being thin towards more loving, natural, flexible and healthy behaviors
I unequivocally guarantee that I was never even close to being the “perfect” mother. My mother and father were not “perfect” parents either. We each did the best we could at the time based on the knowledge, resources and energy we had. My parents loved me although at times I may not have thought so or appreciated their efforts to guide me. I adored my children even though it may not always have appeared that way to them.
If you would like a free copy of my “Tips to Help The Children” please e-mail me at denise@deniselamothe.com put "tips in the subject line and request a copy. I am happy to send you one. Meanwhile, have a fabulous summer day!
Dr. Denise
Monday, June 29, 2009
No will power?
Many people come to see me stating they have no will power and that they feel like failures. Often it is remarked that eating is the one area in which they feel helpless and out of control. They may be successful in business and family life, but when it comes to passing up the cheesecake or potato chips, they feel helpless and weak.
I do not believe in will-power. As I have said in The Taming of the Chew I do believe that people will feed themselves well when they feel good about themselves and are able to genuinely express their emotions to others. Being happy, healthy and whole is not about being thin. It is about being happy with yourself at whatever size you are now. It is about self-acceptance and joy. It is about self-love.
It is necessary to take the focus away from feeling fat and unhappy and change the focus of attention to the positive aspects of ourselves and our lives. It is vital to appreciate what we do have and to let go of the things that are restricting us and holding us back. Only then can we create the lives of balance and joy we so desperately want.
I do not believe in will-power. As I have said in The Taming of the Chew I do believe that people will feed themselves well when they feel good about themselves and are able to genuinely express their emotions to others. Being happy, healthy and whole is not about being thin. It is about being happy with yourself at whatever size you are now. It is about self-acceptance and joy. It is about self-love.
It is necessary to take the focus away from feeling fat and unhappy and change the focus of attention to the positive aspects of ourselves and our lives. It is vital to appreciate what we do have and to let go of the things that are restricting us and holding us back. Only then can we create the lives of balance and joy we so desperately want.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Are you trying to be perfect?
As a professional speaker, I have the opportunity to address large audiences about women’s issues. I will joke with my audience members that there are probably no women in the room who expect themselves to be perfect. This usually prompts loud laughter as each woman looks around and they realize that they are the same. Most, if not all, women hold unrealistic expectations of themselves. They would never expect such perfection from others but they continue to set impossibly high goals for themselves.
Setting unrealistic, impossible goals leads to failure – every single time. We are all human and, although it is wise to set challenging goals, it is self-destructive to hold perfection as the only acceptable outcome. If we continually set ourselves up to fail in this way, we can never feel good about ourselves. Instead we will feel discouraged and see ourselves as failures. This leads to self-punishment and often to the bakery or candy aisle. We then eat to soothe ourselves and, as you can see, much of our over-eating is emotional eating.
Some women spend years captured in this loop. They set themselves up to be perfect, fail, feel badly and then eat to feel better. They resolve to perform better in the future. Since they still can’t behave perfectly every minute, they set themselves up to fail again. Then they beat themselves up, eat to feel better, end up feeling worse and this cycle repeats itself again and again.
You do not have to continue to feel like a victim, failing to manage your life. You will be able to change once you understand how and why you have been harming yourself. Stop trying to be perfect. You already are!
Setting unrealistic, impossible goals leads to failure – every single time. We are all human and, although it is wise to set challenging goals, it is self-destructive to hold perfection as the only acceptable outcome. If we continually set ourselves up to fail in this way, we can never feel good about ourselves. Instead we will feel discouraged and see ourselves as failures. This leads to self-punishment and often to the bakery or candy aisle. We then eat to soothe ourselves and, as you can see, much of our over-eating is emotional eating.
Some women spend years captured in this loop. They set themselves up to be perfect, fail, feel badly and then eat to feel better. They resolve to perform better in the future. Since they still can’t behave perfectly every minute, they set themselves up to fail again. Then they beat themselves up, eat to feel better, end up feeling worse and this cycle repeats itself again and again.
You do not have to continue to feel like a victim, failing to manage your life. You will be able to change once you understand how and why you have been harming yourself. Stop trying to be perfect. You already are!
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Did you grow up in a “crazy-making” world?
Most women tell me that they felt confused in their homes. They received mixed messages and had trouble making sense of the world around them. You may have heard the expression “There’s an elephant in the living room.” This means that many issues in the family, which may have seemed obvious to the child or young woman, were never acknowledged or addressed. People pretend that all is fine when underneath the façade they are not fine at all. This occurs all too frequently.
Crazy-making messages are common elements in many families. Parents may not know how to confront difficult situations and may lack the communication skills necessary to do so. They may be held back by fear (of upsetting someone else, of incurring another’s anger, being abandoned, or being invalidated once again). So, many family members play the roles they have been assigned in the family and act as they imagine they are supposed to but, all the while, feel confused and disconnected – their true experiences and feelings hidden away from each other.
This breeds self-doubt and confusion. It is hard to feel confident and good about yourself when the world around you is not making sense. It is easier to play along (and eat to dull your feelings) than to risk disrupting the family system. Does this sound familiar? Have you been emotionally eating to suppress your real thoughts and true feelings? The time to stop that is now!
My Best, Dr. Denise
Crazy-making messages are common elements in many families. Parents may not know how to confront difficult situations and may lack the communication skills necessary to do so. They may be held back by fear (of upsetting someone else, of incurring another’s anger, being abandoned, or being invalidated once again). So, many family members play the roles they have been assigned in the family and act as they imagine they are supposed to but, all the while, feel confused and disconnected – their true experiences and feelings hidden away from each other.
This breeds self-doubt and confusion. It is hard to feel confident and good about yourself when the world around you is not making sense. It is easier to play along (and eat to dull your feelings) than to risk disrupting the family system. Does this sound familiar? Have you been emotionally eating to suppress your real thoughts and true feelings? The time to stop that is now!
My Best, Dr. Denise
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Exciting new book
Todays blog entry is a little different. Rather than share advice or suggestions, I want to alert you to a most valuable resource. The End of Overeating (Rodale) by David Kessler, M.D.
appeared in bookstores in April. I, and my colleagues here, are all very excited about it. It is top notch research and perhaps the first book that will truly help people understand in concrete ways why they overeat and what they can do about it. He does not do much about the emotional eating piece and so his work combined with The Taming of the Chew makes a complete guide to changing frustrating overeating behaviors and healing from the negative effects of these behaviors. Dr Kessler's work is philosophically compatible with the Chew Tamer's approach to overeating issues.
He discusses brain function, sugar, fat and salt addiction, the ways food is processed to guarantee that we will overeat, marketing, portion sizes, some useful techniques to stop overeating and much, much more. It is a cutting edge book and very thoroughly researched. I am now going through the manuscript of my new book to add in some of Dr. Kessler's powerful and useful information. (More news on this to follow)
My new book will include a workbook, share the historical perspective on food abuse via interesting case stories, tackle emotional eating, incorporate a tips booklet at the end, include a list of suggested readings and now will also include Dr. Kesslers findings from his cutting edge research. My Chew Tamers will be the first to know when it is published!
So, for now, I strongly suggest you look into Dr. Kesslers work. It could save your life!
Warmly, Dr. Denise
appeared in bookstores in April. I, and my colleagues here, are all very excited about it. It is top notch research and perhaps the first book that will truly help people understand in concrete ways why they overeat and what they can do about it. He does not do much about the emotional eating piece and so his work combined with The Taming of the Chew makes a complete guide to changing frustrating overeating behaviors and healing from the negative effects of these behaviors. Dr Kessler's work is philosophically compatible with the Chew Tamer's approach to overeating issues.
He discusses brain function, sugar, fat and salt addiction, the ways food is processed to guarantee that we will overeat, marketing, portion sizes, some useful techniques to stop overeating and much, much more. It is a cutting edge book and very thoroughly researched. I am now going through the manuscript of my new book to add in some of Dr. Kessler's powerful and useful information. (More news on this to follow)
My new book will include a workbook, share the historical perspective on food abuse via interesting case stories, tackle emotional eating, incorporate a tips booklet at the end, include a list of suggested readings and now will also include Dr. Kesslers findings from his cutting edge research. My Chew Tamers will be the first to know when it is published!
So, for now, I strongly suggest you look into Dr. Kesslers work. It could save your life!
Warmly, Dr. Denise
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